From a legal standpoint, a person cannot consent if they are sleeping or overly intoxicated. Given that you were both, it is definitely, legally, considered “rape.”
Now, the first incident was a bad situation. A situation, unfortunately, that you put yourself into but should not have happened regardless. It didn’t end as badly as it could have and the guy clearly had SOME kind of conscience, so you shouldn’t blame yourself for that one. But, legally-speaking, it was ‘rape’ and morally-speaking, it wasn’t okay at all.
That said, the second incident is all on you and you probably should have learned something from the first incident. I hate to sound rude or hateful, but you should have. Fool me once, yada yada.
What the second encounter amounts to is a hormonal youth believing you wanted to have sex. Now, let’s see — why might he have thought you wanted to have sex?
Oh, I dunno — maybe it was the woman that got herself undressed in a bed with him in the room? Yeah, that could be part of it. The other part of it could have been that you let him play with you, kiss you, and, I assume, you were consenting with your actions at that point.
He thought, based on your actions, that you were ready. You then clearly told him that you did not want to have sex. He stopped. Sure, he might have protested, but he stopped. That is not rape — that is you not expressing yourself in a consistent way.
Young men (or boys, what have you) are driven to sexual relations with women because we’re wired that way. We think about it all the time (or at least I used to and every other man/boy I knew back in those days used to), and we tried hard to mate with a person of the opposite sex.
That’s biology trying to ensure the viability of our species. Nothing more.
Should he have flat-out asked you “can we have sex?” Maybe, but let’s face it — if I’m kissing a woman that got naked and hopped onto a bed and she’s all about it, enjoying herself, probably moaning, squirming, writhing around — I will probably assume that she’s ready to “go all the way.”
I’ve never been wrong in my entire life.
I think from here on out you should 1) avoid drinking alcohol when you’re around strangers and not with a group of friends, and 2) tell guys upfront that you aren’t interested in sex. If, during the course of “playing around” you change your mind and want to go all the way, then YOU get to make that decision. But, if it were me in your shoes, I wouldn’t be getting naked, kissing and fondling and being fondled by another guy if I didn’t want to have sex.
You also shouldn’t worry so much about the number of men (or women) you’ve slept with. That’s your business and yours alone. No one else has to know so take that for whatever it’s worth.
Hope this helps you in some way. It’s a good thing you’ve decided to open up about this kind of stuff too. Holding it in is detrimental. Don’t be afraid to express these things in the future. Don’t feel shame about yourself for what you’ve done or what has happened to you. We’re our own worst critic; sometimes knowing that puts our thoughts in check, which can be a great thing if we are having negative thoughts.
Be well.
